“The strands in your eyes that color them wonderful
Stop me and steal my breath
Emeralds from mountains thrust toward the sky
Never revealing their depth” (Edwin McCain “I’ll Be”)
I see you kneeling there huddled afraid, not knowing where you are, not knowing what’s going on. I see you there and am reminded of when I was there, Empty alone and afraid. And the man you see, the man I am is because of where I’ve been. And it pains me to see you struggle with where I’ve been, knowing that you far from deserve it, Though I do not understand why God allows such things, This I know my friend.
”I'll be your crying shoulder
I'll be your love suicide
and I'll be better when I'm older
I'll be the greatest fan of your life” (Edwin McCain “I’ll Be”)
I’ll be there, to hold your hand, to help you back on your feet. I’ll be there to you’re your tears, to be a source of strength, to be a friend first. Where others have ran, when others have withered and faltered this my dear, I will be here. Ready to face the world, Ready to do whatever it takes. I trust you explicitly, the reasons I don’t know… The song I heard when we first met keep that smile burning bright on my heart.
“I've just seen a face,
I can't forget the time or place
That we'd just met, she's just the girl for me
And I want all the world to see we've met
Na na na na na na
Had it been another day
I might have looked the other way
But I had never been aware
And as it is I dream of her tonight
Na na na na na na
” (The Beatles “I’ve just seen a face”)
You write words upon a page that show your pain, show where you have been. I read it and admire your talent, I read and feel what you feel. It’s even greater that I have met you and call you friend, and sets all that pain the heartache and tears and I see what it has done to make you as amazing as you are. Much it seems, have you been through, and I tear up knowing that much you still have much to go through…
“Words are flying out like
endless rain into a paper cup
They slither while they pass
They slip away across the universe
Pools of sorrow waves of joy
are drifting thorough my open mind
Possessing and caressing me” (The Beatles “Across the Universe”)
Your talent is plenty; your potential is beyond compare. Your poems, your writings have touched me, and I know in my heart that they will touch others countless times for countless centuries. You see the world in your own unique way. This I hope that I will be there, to be the guy that never backs down, to be the guy God grants the chance to always be around.
“Where do I begin?
There's so much I want to say to make it easier
Tomorrow's on it's way
Do you believe I want to take your painful memories?
I know you want to run away
I know that you can't see tomorrow” (Seventh Day Slumber “Caroline”)
Though I am only just a man, I am mearly a friend who has been sent by destiny to be here. Though there is one who struggles for you to find Him. For you to listen to Him, so that he may shine his light upon you and grant you the life that you deserve. I pray for that day when His purpose his plan for you is revealed. I pray that He reveals that path so that you may feel once more and always.
“Sounds of laughter shades of life
are ringing through my open ears
exciting and inviting me
Limitless undying love which
shines around me like a million suns
It calls me on and on across the universe” (The Beatles “Across the Universe”)
Who knows where this life will take us, near or far it doesn’t matter, for this right now is what we have, and not a second goes by that I don’t have utmost thanks for God and His almighty power to bring us together. To bring two together who can struggle through life using what they both know for a better tomorrow. Whatever bridges we face in this fragmented world, I know we will stand true, stand firm. How do I know?
“I'll be your crying shoulder” (Edwin McCain “I’ll Be”)
“Nothing's gonna change my world” (The Beatles “Across the Universe”)
”I'll be your love suicide” (Edwin McCain “I’ll Be”)
“Nothing's gonna change my world” (The Beatles “Across the Universe”)
”and I'll be better when I'm older” (Edwin McCain “I’ll Be”)
“Nothing's gonna change my world” (The Beatles “Across the Universe”)
”I'll be the greatest fan of your life” (Edwin McCain “I’ll Be”)
“Nothing's gonna change my world“(The Beatles “Across the Universe”)
Though the world is fragmented, I see beauty in that fragmentation and that beauty is in you. Through fragmented songs I try to illustrate my thoughts, my heart yearns to show you, to be there with you as you face what you face. It cries knowing that someday there may come a time when our paths part, and we must travel the road alone. But that is not today, and God willing that day will never come. But No matter what Our paths have crossed and my life has been changed, Both our lives have. We shall remain friends.
God bless
A few thoughts – Accompanied by bits of Edwin McCain “I’ll Be” The Beatles “Across the Universe” The Beatles “I’ve just seen a face” Seventh Day Slumber “Caroline”
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
a chapter closed
a chapter closed
Looking out over the lit night life, watching as a few cars pass, people walking home after the bars have long closed. Feeling the nice warmth of my coffee cup as the steam rolls out from it's liquid contents. The cold chill of tears frozen to my face cause me to shiver. Watching as i can make out a shooting star... looking at the spleandour of it all. I almost forget why those tears had fallen. It comes back to me in pieces.
It's time to close a chapter in the book of life. Time to make room for many more great stories, and moments in life. I lose myself in thoughts of tomarrow. What will it bring. What adventures will i have, what Joys, and yes, even what heartaches lay ahead. For one who has experienced heartache, one cannot deny that they will come in they're own time. I lose myself lost in thought, my coffee tastes good. Straight black just the way i like it. It's cold. I look out into the night, thanking God for the closed chapter. Thanking God for who i have become, and who that chapter has made.
I watch as the sky continues to drop little white flakes occasionally... i laugh, snow in april. Who'd a thunk it. I am amazed at how God and his world works. I take another drink, with my eyes closed i let the liquid warm my mouth, let the flavor flow over every tastebud. As i swallow, I notice my hands wrapped around the cup. I look at them for a moment, Loking down towards my Jeep my hands burn. "Joseph, a man of his hands" as my grandma calls me. I try. Sometimes the things i do, or try to do don't turn out quite how i expect them to.
Before i know it, the coffee has been drank. The hour is late... I set my coffee cup down and open my bible. I flip through it's pages. I stop at ecclesiastes. A highlighted passage catches my attention. Though i do not know why...
I begin to read "There is a time for everything and a season for every activity under heaven..." (eclesiastes 2:3-8) the words reach down deep into my heart. The pain i feel comes creeping back at me, echoes from the past come creeping in, where before was tears now i feel something different. A strange calmness, At ease with what's happening. read the passage again "A time to tear, adn a time to mend... a time to be silent and a time to speak..." again the words touch my soul. Indeed,
A chapter has been closed in my life. But I look out ahead at the blank pages of tomarrow. There will be heartache, there will be tears, but also there will be joy. There will be love. Most importantly it will be joyful in God's eyes. God's will be done...
Maybe i'm a fool, maybe the reality hasn't hit me yet of the magnitude of what's happened, maybe this is my heart's way of covering up the pain. who really knows but God. But it is how i feel... i'm really trying to push away from depression, and push towards a better understanding...
Thanks for reading, and God Bless!!!
Looking out over the lit night life, watching as a few cars pass, people walking home after the bars have long closed. Feeling the nice warmth of my coffee cup as the steam rolls out from it's liquid contents. The cold chill of tears frozen to my face cause me to shiver. Watching as i can make out a shooting star... looking at the spleandour of it all. I almost forget why those tears had fallen. It comes back to me in pieces.
It's time to close a chapter in the book of life. Time to make room for many more great stories, and moments in life. I lose myself in thoughts of tomarrow. What will it bring. What adventures will i have, what Joys, and yes, even what heartaches lay ahead. For one who has experienced heartache, one cannot deny that they will come in they're own time. I lose myself lost in thought, my coffee tastes good. Straight black just the way i like it. It's cold. I look out into the night, thanking God for the closed chapter. Thanking God for who i have become, and who that chapter has made.
I watch as the sky continues to drop little white flakes occasionally... i laugh, snow in april. Who'd a thunk it. I am amazed at how God and his world works. I take another drink, with my eyes closed i let the liquid warm my mouth, let the flavor flow over every tastebud. As i swallow, I notice my hands wrapped around the cup. I look at them for a moment, Loking down towards my Jeep my hands burn. "Joseph, a man of his hands" as my grandma calls me. I try. Sometimes the things i do, or try to do don't turn out quite how i expect them to.
Before i know it, the coffee has been drank. The hour is late... I set my coffee cup down and open my bible. I flip through it's pages. I stop at ecclesiastes. A highlighted passage catches my attention. Though i do not know why...
I begin to read "There is a time for everything and a season for every activity under heaven..." (eclesiastes 2:3-8) the words reach down deep into my heart. The pain i feel comes creeping back at me, echoes from the past come creeping in, where before was tears now i feel something different. A strange calmness, At ease with what's happening. read the passage again "A time to tear, adn a time to mend... a time to be silent and a time to speak..." again the words touch my soul. Indeed,
A chapter has been closed in my life. But I look out ahead at the blank pages of tomarrow. There will be heartache, there will be tears, but also there will be joy. There will be love. Most importantly it will be joyful in God's eyes. God's will be done...
Maybe i'm a fool, maybe the reality hasn't hit me yet of the magnitude of what's happened, maybe this is my heart's way of covering up the pain. who really knows but God. But it is how i feel... i'm really trying to push away from depression, and push towards a better understanding...
Thanks for reading, and God Bless!!!
Others Views on Life
Others views on life...
After everything is said and done, when people look back at your life. Will they say you were a good man and really mean it?
After everything is said and done, when people look back at your life. Will they say you were a good man and really mean it?
be my center o God
Be my center o God
Asking God... make yourself my center... i open it up to you... and for the rest of my days... i will always strive to wrap myself in you... To be the everything and everything in my life... You gave me a great life... I havn't always been greatful of your gift to me... I'm finally seeing what it means to have you in my life...
Changed...
I am forever changed by you... I will live to help others... I will use what you have given me to serve others... to be here when i am needed... and to go where you call to impact the lives around me... share love to those who have lost it... help your children both lost and found to rediscover who you are...
With open arms...
I lift my heart to heaven... to you... to fill my heart with your holy spirit... To be changed even more... to be so moved and so changed that others feel the passion as well...
Father...
At one point i thought i didn't have that much... not much of a life... but i see now that i have so very much to be thankful for... so very much in my life... it's all because of you that i have such greatness in my own life... and all of it, for your purpose and your plan i would gladly give it up... To follow you to whatever means...
My heart...
Calls out to no one but you... Where my heart for so many years called out for someone, craved someone to fill the lonely void in my heart... now i see that all i needed was you... For there is no one, absolutley no one who can fill my soul the way you can... No one can satisfy my thirst, no one can satisfy my hearts desires better than you...
A broken man...
I come to you... seeking forgiveness for taking me this long to realize your love... to realize you... to take that fire that passion i've had for so long take it off the back burner, and bring it to the front of my life... to want your flame, your passion, your fire to ignite my life into a glorious signal of your love... your precious gift of salvation for all... I may have been broken, but i am healed because of you...
Come whatever...
I will face whatever comes with strength, courage, and dilligence for it is you that gives me that strength... allow me the chance to move others, the way you have moved my life... allow me the chance to share my experiences with others, so that it might be able to help them.
Asking God... make yourself my center... i open it up to you... and for the rest of my days... i will always strive to wrap myself in you... To be the everything and everything in my life... You gave me a great life... I havn't always been greatful of your gift to me... I'm finally seeing what it means to have you in my life...
Changed...
I am forever changed by you... I will live to help others... I will use what you have given me to serve others... to be here when i am needed... and to go where you call to impact the lives around me... share love to those who have lost it... help your children both lost and found to rediscover who you are...
With open arms...
I lift my heart to heaven... to you... to fill my heart with your holy spirit... To be changed even more... to be so moved and so changed that others feel the passion as well...
Father...
At one point i thought i didn't have that much... not much of a life... but i see now that i have so very much to be thankful for... so very much in my life... it's all because of you that i have such greatness in my own life... and all of it, for your purpose and your plan i would gladly give it up... To follow you to whatever means...
My heart...
Calls out to no one but you... Where my heart for so many years called out for someone, craved someone to fill the lonely void in my heart... now i see that all i needed was you... For there is no one, absolutley no one who can fill my soul the way you can... No one can satisfy my thirst, no one can satisfy my hearts desires better than you...
A broken man...
I come to you... seeking forgiveness for taking me this long to realize your love... to realize you... to take that fire that passion i've had for so long take it off the back burner, and bring it to the front of my life... to want your flame, your passion, your fire to ignite my life into a glorious signal of your love... your precious gift of salvation for all... I may have been broken, but i am healed because of you...
Come whatever...
I will face whatever comes with strength, courage, and dilligence for it is you that gives me that strength... allow me the chance to move others, the way you have moved my life... allow me the chance to share my experiences with others, so that it might be able to help them.
Monday, July 07, 2008
a hopeless romantic writes
This is to my future wife,
wherever you are in this messed up world.
I love you with all my heart!
I've prayed for you, my dear, for countless years,
And I would search thousands more to find you!
I may already know you, and I may not,
But the fact still remains that I love you more than anyone in this world.
I cherish and treasure you love
Even though I don't know who you are yet.
This is to my future mate,
And I want you to know,
You're the best friend I'll ever have.
The best mother there ever will be.
And the best wife I could ever as for.
You, love, are the most beautiful girl in this entire verse.
And even though no one in this world is perfect,
In my eyes you are the most perfect being on this Earth.
You're the only girl I ever want to fall completely in love with.
Madly in love, Passionately in love.
You are My Princess,
And I will respect you as such.
I long for the day that I hold you in my arms
And never let go.
For the day that i get to say you're mine,
No one else.
You're the brightest shining star in the sky,
The most prettiest of gemstones.
I know God will lead you to me,
Even though I may have made decisions that took me farther away from you.
I don't care where you're from,
What church you go to,
What you will do/are doing for a living...
I love you, and I can't wait to meet you.
And I know that you're praying for me.
Keep searching for me my love.
Because I will not tire in my search for you
Even if I die searching.
And I know you love me already too.
I know you love me,
In spite of all my flaws and mistakes I've made in life.
Because the Bible also says love doesn't keep records
Of wrongdoings.
I may have chosen difficult paths,
But those paths have made me stronger.
Stronger in Christ,
And a stronger husband for you,
My wonderful, beautiful wife.
I've cried many tears searching for you.
And will probably cry many more.
But I know it will be worth my time in the end.
I want to raise our family up in Christ's name.
For He is the one to bring us together,
He will be the one to join us together.
Because we won't succeed without Jesus and God
And I know you want the same thing,
And I thank God for that...
Just like every day I thank God for you.
I promise you, I won't give up looking for you.
And praying for you.
I have an undying hope that you are out there, close.
Because the Bible says love always hopes.
And my hope will never give up, never die,
And never lose momentum.
Because I know God wants this.
I know He wants us together,
I feel it, it's like a pull towards the unknown,
Which is where you are...
I don't know where you're at right now,
What you're doing,
What you're thinking,
But I hope you hear this somehow;
I love you and I don't even know who you are.
And I want you to know, that every day,
Even though I don't know who you are,
I'll do my best to live for Christ,
And be a manly man,
For you my love.
I'll be as strong as I can be,
So I'll be ready for you.
I would move a mountain to find you.
I would drain the ocean to save you if I could.
I'll do whatever it takes to make you the happiest girl alive.
Even though I don't know who you are yet.
You may be someone I have seen on the street,
In a car or a store,
Or someone I've seen around for a long time,
But never talked to you...
Or even someone who is close to me,
Or an acquaintance, whoever you are,
I will find you.
I will seek you out.
Because I love you with God given passion.
One day we will meet,
One day we will know
We are meant to be together,
And to stick this life out together with Christ's help.
Laugh together,
Cry together,
Grow old together.
Wherever you are, I pray in thanks
I pray that God finds you safe
I hope that the struggles that find you are small
and though you may face them alone
not a day goes by that I don't wish I was there
To help you through the hard times
to be joyful with you through the good times.
Soon my love, soon we shall be together...
Until the day that God brings us together...
You are in my prayers...
wherever you are in this messed up world.
I love you with all my heart!
I've prayed for you, my dear, for countless years,
And I would search thousands more to find you!
I may already know you, and I may not,
But the fact still remains that I love you more than anyone in this world.
I cherish and treasure you love
Even though I don't know who you are yet.
This is to my future mate,
And I want you to know,
You're the best friend I'll ever have.
The best mother there ever will be.
And the best wife I could ever as for.
You, love, are the most beautiful girl in this entire verse.
And even though no one in this world is perfect,
In my eyes you are the most perfect being on this Earth.
You're the only girl I ever want to fall completely in love with.
Madly in love, Passionately in love.
You are My Princess,
And I will respect you as such.
I long for the day that I hold you in my arms
And never let go.
For the day that i get to say you're mine,
No one else.
You're the brightest shining star in the sky,
The most prettiest of gemstones.
I know God will lead you to me,
Even though I may have made decisions that took me farther away from you.
I don't care where you're from,
What church you go to,
What you will do/are doing for a living...
I love you, and I can't wait to meet you.
And I know that you're praying for me.
Keep searching for me my love.
Because I will not tire in my search for you
Even if I die searching.
And I know you love me already too.
I know you love me,
In spite of all my flaws and mistakes I've made in life.
Because the Bible also says love doesn't keep records
Of wrongdoings.
I may have chosen difficult paths,
But those paths have made me stronger.
Stronger in Christ,
And a stronger husband for you,
My wonderful, beautiful wife.
I've cried many tears searching for you.
And will probably cry many more.
But I know it will be worth my time in the end.
I want to raise our family up in Christ's name.
For He is the one to bring us together,
He will be the one to join us together.
Because we won't succeed without Jesus and God
And I know you want the same thing,
And I thank God for that...
Just like every day I thank God for you.
I promise you, I won't give up looking for you.
And praying for you.
I have an undying hope that you are out there, close.
Because the Bible says love always hopes.
And my hope will never give up, never die,
And never lose momentum.
Because I know God wants this.
I know He wants us together,
I feel it, it's like a pull towards the unknown,
Which is where you are...
I don't know where you're at right now,
What you're doing,
What you're thinking,
But I hope you hear this somehow;
I love you and I don't even know who you are.
And I want you to know, that every day,
Even though I don't know who you are,
I'll do my best to live for Christ,
And be a manly man,
For you my love.
I'll be as strong as I can be,
So I'll be ready for you.
I would move a mountain to find you.
I would drain the ocean to save you if I could.
I'll do whatever it takes to make you the happiest girl alive.
Even though I don't know who you are yet.
You may be someone I have seen on the street,
In a car or a store,
Or someone I've seen around for a long time,
But never talked to you...
Or even someone who is close to me,
Or an acquaintance, whoever you are,
I will find you.
I will seek you out.
Because I love you with God given passion.
One day we will meet,
One day we will know
We are meant to be together,
And to stick this life out together with Christ's help.
Laugh together,
Cry together,
Grow old together.
Wherever you are, I pray in thanks
I pray that God finds you safe
I hope that the struggles that find you are small
and though you may face them alone
not a day goes by that I don't wish I was there
To help you through the hard times
to be joyful with you through the good times.
Soon my love, soon we shall be together...
Until the day that God brings us together...
You are in my prayers...
Monday, June 30, 2008
Why does a heart feel the way it does...
Why my heart feels the way it does...
I took a girl out the night we had that terrible storm. We had made plans to go for supper after I got off of work but because of the storm she didn't want to be out in it... after the storm she decided she still wanted to hang out so we went driving around for about an hour looking at all the damage.
We talked for quite a while about things, getting to know each other better. We were just having a really nice time. After I took her home and went back to my own apartment to assess the damage there. the night progressed.
Our apartment was black, with the lack of power. Parts of town were like this out of power and nothing to do when the lights go out. A friend stopped by & my roommates and I went for a walk over the bridge to the old market… Something I said and the friend left… afraid it was what I said that caused her to leave… afraid it’s always going to be thus, however I digress…
My roommates and I continued to walk across the bridge. As we walked this haunting feeling crept in… I got to thinking about life and where I am. After a while we ended up driving out to Belleview Wal-Mart to get ice for the fridge and freezer, in case we’d be without power for a while. A phone call came in from a friend. After talking with her for a while, that feeling started to creep in. I felt scared… I sat in my truck talking with her while my roommates went inside.
I’m not one to get afraid very often, but that night I don’t know, something crept in that I was super afraid for what was going on. I talked with my friend for a bit. Didn’t tell her what I was really feeling, what I really wanted to tell her…
For you see I can’t tell her what I really wanted. I have tried to tell her and every time it ends badly. This is why I don’t understand why a heart feels the way it does…
I have tried to space myself from her but somehow something brings me back… when she gets upset with me and doesn’t talk with me for a while, something always brings her back to me.
We talk and have great conversations. The kind that friends are supposed to have. Sometimes I hear in her voice, the tone of caring, the tone of being happy. There are times when she smiles on the other side of the phone and my heart smiles because I know she’s happy.
When she talks about how she feels alone, or that none of her friends care about her… my heart aches… if only she knew how I felt. She talks about wanting to find someone special… when someone special is right here...
Some of you reading this might be asking yourself just tell her how you feel! I can’t …
I would give anything to tell her how I feel. To tell her that when I’ve been out on dates, or when I meet someone new and they start to have a liking towards me or I start to like them as more than a friend I become so terrified, I back off completely because they are not her. I try to tell her that I’ve changed, try to show her that I’m not the same pathetic dweeb I was when we went out… that I’m better I’m more resounding in my faith and in who I am. but I don’t know if it matters to her.
A second chance she will not give, a second chance to her I feel like I don’t deserve. I could tell her how I feel but I know it wouldn’t do any good. Something I did to her a while ago lost her trust in me, something I did to her makes her think poorly about any chances with me. The really sad part is I don’t really know what it was I did. I’ve asked her and she remains silent. Whenever I bring up liking her and wanting to do more, she thinks about it and then gets really angry at it… Part of me thinks that she’s fighting her own feelings for me… that maybe part of her does want a second chance with me but because of what I did to her she doesn’t want that… so the only course to her is to get upset and walk away… It’d be nice to know what I did wrong, why she can’t forgive me… why she gets so bloody angry because I seek such answers. She says she doesn’t really know, doesn’t really understand… I try to ask questions to try and help her and myself to understand but she just shuts me out.
Everything I have read about relationships, about friendships tells me I’m doing what I’m supposed to be doing… than why isn’t it working…
Uncertainty is ok, it doesn’t show a yes it doesn’t show a no… but it doesn’t show a yes… I hurt more than anyone knows because I made promises to her that God is not allowing me to keep. Because of me being young, and lazy our relationship was what was taken away. Who I am now knows what it takes to keep it going, to keep a relationship going… but I fear it is too late. What hurts too is I feel like we weren’t good enough for each other in God’s eyes, not just hers… and I don’t understand that.
This is why I hate my heart, this is why I am afraid of love… I fear it is not in my life anymore, I fear that I will never find it because my heart wont allow me to move on…
I want more than anything to move on, to move forward. But my heart keeps me where I am… Feeling the way I do. I try to not call her, not think about her, dive into my faith, my photography, my writings, and my music to try to get her out of my head. Something always draws me back… be it a song, the smell of a waitress at a restaurant, a bird chirping in the wind. Or something as simple as a dream. Nights go by and I pray for her…
This is why I hate my heart, this is why I hate love… I fear it is not in my life anymore, I fear that I will never find it because my heart wont allow me to move on…
A man faithful to his God… to his plan…
A romantic who follows his heart… for it leads the path of his King…
Then why does it lead me here… again and again
My music resounds with melodies of faith… my music resounds melodies of loneliness
If my heart could play a song it’d be a country song I think…
Why can’t it let go… Why does my heart lead me to a closed door that with how I feel will never open again.
Everyone says that things happen for a reason, that feelings happen for a reason… then why does this feeling remain… is there something I have to learn from it? Is there something within God’s design that I am not seeing that I should be hopeful for regarding this feeling?
Am I supposed to be patient and wait… I’m trying…
I’ve given it to God as well as my feelings for her to Him… For I know nothing else I can do… I don’t want to cause her or anyone hurt or pain…
Is it because of my sins, that God took her away… that God’s design is keeping her away…
Have I not made amends for my sins… can’t I move forward from this my struggle.
Is it always going to be this way?
Not able to move on… not able to find someone because of who I am… Always being afraid of love and ‘why’…
I feel pretty pathetic really, cause I know that if God has a purpose in His time it will happen… Right now I am confused about where I am what my heart is leading to… But in that uncertainty I do find strength. For right now I have a good friend. Someone who knows I care, and who knows partially of how I feel… never to know completely how I feel, unless God reveals it to her or allows me to do so in a way that she will understand… I digress… I put these stresses and these heartaches at the feet of My King. I seek his will over everything
Struggle with understanding… yea I will…
But I will not run I will not cower… I will push forward through this… alone if I have to… always hoping and praying that God can forgive me. That maybe someday she too can forgive me.
Sometimes in living life the “way of the Jeep” you have to take things a bit slower to get through the rough stuff… but in the long run things will work out maybe not the way you first intended… maybe not the way you thought they would… but in time they will work out.
Am I alone in my feelings? Does anyone else struggle with this…
I took a girl out the night we had that terrible storm. We had made plans to go for supper after I got off of work but because of the storm she didn't want to be out in it... after the storm she decided she still wanted to hang out so we went driving around for about an hour looking at all the damage.
We talked for quite a while about things, getting to know each other better. We were just having a really nice time. After I took her home and went back to my own apartment to assess the damage there. the night progressed.
Our apartment was black, with the lack of power. Parts of town were like this out of power and nothing to do when the lights go out. A friend stopped by & my roommates and I went for a walk over the bridge to the old market… Something I said and the friend left… afraid it was what I said that caused her to leave… afraid it’s always going to be thus, however I digress…
My roommates and I continued to walk across the bridge. As we walked this haunting feeling crept in… I got to thinking about life and where I am. After a while we ended up driving out to Belleview Wal-Mart to get ice for the fridge and freezer, in case we’d be without power for a while. A phone call came in from a friend. After talking with her for a while, that feeling started to creep in. I felt scared… I sat in my truck talking with her while my roommates went inside.
I’m not one to get afraid very often, but that night I don’t know, something crept in that I was super afraid for what was going on. I talked with my friend for a bit. Didn’t tell her what I was really feeling, what I really wanted to tell her…
For you see I can’t tell her what I really wanted. I have tried to tell her and every time it ends badly. This is why I don’t understand why a heart feels the way it does…
I have tried to space myself from her but somehow something brings me back… when she gets upset with me and doesn’t talk with me for a while, something always brings her back to me.
We talk and have great conversations. The kind that friends are supposed to have. Sometimes I hear in her voice, the tone of caring, the tone of being happy. There are times when she smiles on the other side of the phone and my heart smiles because I know she’s happy.
When she talks about how she feels alone, or that none of her friends care about her… my heart aches… if only she knew how I felt. She talks about wanting to find someone special… when someone special is right here...
Some of you reading this might be asking yourself just tell her how you feel! I can’t …
I would give anything to tell her how I feel. To tell her that when I’ve been out on dates, or when I meet someone new and they start to have a liking towards me or I start to like them as more than a friend I become so terrified, I back off completely because they are not her. I try to tell her that I’ve changed, try to show her that I’m not the same pathetic dweeb I was when we went out… that I’m better I’m more resounding in my faith and in who I am. but I don’t know if it matters to her.
A second chance she will not give, a second chance to her I feel like I don’t deserve. I could tell her how I feel but I know it wouldn’t do any good. Something I did to her a while ago lost her trust in me, something I did to her makes her think poorly about any chances with me. The really sad part is I don’t really know what it was I did. I’ve asked her and she remains silent. Whenever I bring up liking her and wanting to do more, she thinks about it and then gets really angry at it… Part of me thinks that she’s fighting her own feelings for me… that maybe part of her does want a second chance with me but because of what I did to her she doesn’t want that… so the only course to her is to get upset and walk away… It’d be nice to know what I did wrong, why she can’t forgive me… why she gets so bloody angry because I seek such answers. She says she doesn’t really know, doesn’t really understand… I try to ask questions to try and help her and myself to understand but she just shuts me out.
Everything I have read about relationships, about friendships tells me I’m doing what I’m supposed to be doing… than why isn’t it working…
Uncertainty is ok, it doesn’t show a yes it doesn’t show a no… but it doesn’t show a yes… I hurt more than anyone knows because I made promises to her that God is not allowing me to keep. Because of me being young, and lazy our relationship was what was taken away. Who I am now knows what it takes to keep it going, to keep a relationship going… but I fear it is too late. What hurts too is I feel like we weren’t good enough for each other in God’s eyes, not just hers… and I don’t understand that.
This is why I hate my heart, this is why I am afraid of love… I fear it is not in my life anymore, I fear that I will never find it because my heart wont allow me to move on…
I want more than anything to move on, to move forward. But my heart keeps me where I am… Feeling the way I do. I try to not call her, not think about her, dive into my faith, my photography, my writings, and my music to try to get her out of my head. Something always draws me back… be it a song, the smell of a waitress at a restaurant, a bird chirping in the wind. Or something as simple as a dream. Nights go by and I pray for her…
This is why I hate my heart, this is why I hate love… I fear it is not in my life anymore, I fear that I will never find it because my heart wont allow me to move on…
A man faithful to his God… to his plan…
A romantic who follows his heart… for it leads the path of his King…
Then why does it lead me here… again and again
My music resounds with melodies of faith… my music resounds melodies of loneliness
If my heart could play a song it’d be a country song I think…
Why can’t it let go… Why does my heart lead me to a closed door that with how I feel will never open again.
Everyone says that things happen for a reason, that feelings happen for a reason… then why does this feeling remain… is there something I have to learn from it? Is there something within God’s design that I am not seeing that I should be hopeful for regarding this feeling?
Am I supposed to be patient and wait… I’m trying…
I’ve given it to God as well as my feelings for her to Him… For I know nothing else I can do… I don’t want to cause her or anyone hurt or pain…
Is it because of my sins, that God took her away… that God’s design is keeping her away…
Have I not made amends for my sins… can’t I move forward from this my struggle.
Is it always going to be this way?
Not able to move on… not able to find someone because of who I am… Always being afraid of love and ‘why’…
I feel pretty pathetic really, cause I know that if God has a purpose in His time it will happen… Right now I am confused about where I am what my heart is leading to… But in that uncertainty I do find strength. For right now I have a good friend. Someone who knows I care, and who knows partially of how I feel… never to know completely how I feel, unless God reveals it to her or allows me to do so in a way that she will understand… I digress… I put these stresses and these heartaches at the feet of My King. I seek his will over everything
Struggle with understanding… yea I will…
But I will not run I will not cower… I will push forward through this… alone if I have to… always hoping and praying that God can forgive me. That maybe someday she too can forgive me.
Sometimes in living life the “way of the Jeep” you have to take things a bit slower to get through the rough stuff… but in the long run things will work out maybe not the way you first intended… maybe not the way you thought they would… but in time they will work out.
Am I alone in my feelings? Does anyone else struggle with this…
Monday, June 23, 2008
One of the things i've been facing that's hard... i've forgotten what it means to love someone and be loved in return, i've forgotten what it feels like to have someone you love in your arms... tis almost like love has given up on me... i know i've begun to give up on it my friend. i mean i had someone once... blew it... had a couple of opportunities... and blown it... now it's been so long i don't even know where or how to begin... maybe it's best this way... i'm trying to look on the bright side of life, trying to see the joy in it, and i do see it, it's hard to feel it. I feel God's love, and at times there's this tremendous feeling that it is all i need... and i hold onto that... if there is one love i hold on to it's his... then why does my heart desire, long, and feel that it's not enough... why does my damn heart drag me down... why is it so hard to breath sometimes when i begin to give up hope on finding love... i wonder if it even exists in my world anymore... i've had great opportunities with awesome people but because of me, and because of where i was in life, and who i am... havn't been good enough for them in God's eyes... i think that's what hurts a lot... the fact that i'm so bloody afraid that i'm never going to be good enough for anyone, not just in their eyes... but in God's eyes... it's the thought that haunts my nightmares, chills me to my bones, and puts me to bed at night almost in tears...
I want God, I want him, I seek him and no other... I want to be satisfied being single, be satisfied being who i am... I try to make friends with people, and get to know them... especially girls, but, as i've been told, it seems like i'm trying too hard... when i know inside i'm not... i'm just trying to be the friendly joe that i think people would like... trying to be who i am... knowing that any girl worth her time and effort to go after will accept that.
compound all this heartache with work and career, and wanting to go and see the world but not able to do it financially right now because of my past mistakes... and you sum up about 3/4 of what i'm dealing with...
I don't mean to bother you with my problems... it's just... well as many friends as i have, no one really understands me like you do... and the hard thing, not many of my friends wana listen either... the one person i thought i could talk to about all of this, walked away from me, cause she couldn't understand...
I want God, I want him, I seek him and no other... I want to be satisfied being single, be satisfied being who i am... I try to make friends with people, and get to know them... especially girls, but, as i've been told, it seems like i'm trying too hard... when i know inside i'm not... i'm just trying to be the friendly joe that i think people would like... trying to be who i am... knowing that any girl worth her time and effort to go after will accept that.
compound all this heartache with work and career, and wanting to go and see the world but not able to do it financially right now because of my past mistakes... and you sum up about 3/4 of what i'm dealing with...
I don't mean to bother you with my problems... it's just... well as many friends as i have, no one really understands me like you do... and the hard thing, not many of my friends wana listen either... the one person i thought i could talk to about all of this, walked away from me, cause she couldn't understand...
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